The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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