Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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