You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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