Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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