dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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