miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
