Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
