I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
