well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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