I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
