Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
