the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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