ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
