Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
