Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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