Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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