your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
