dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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