Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
