someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
