I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
