Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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