I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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