this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize