My first STD was from a foam party
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you had me at cake vodka
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
