You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
