1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
