I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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