My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize