i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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