Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
