i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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