I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize