The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
