I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
