So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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