im drinking this country out of the recession.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
