Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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