This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
