My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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