bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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