i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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