Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
