is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm passing your future prison.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
