Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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