Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
