the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize