I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
