My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
