Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize