I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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