how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
