I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
