She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
