Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
