I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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